Author: Sarah Stewart

Daughter of The King. Lifelong learner. Pursuing God’s best dreams for me, my family, and His Church.
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Royal Family

Sarah StewartLeave a comment

I stood at the end of the walkway holding the letter with both hands. Ahead, was the path that lead straight up the stairs to the grand entrance to the beautiful castle. I looked down at the letter in my hands. I had re-folded it and gently re-tied The King’s signature scarlet thread to close it back up after I’d read it. It was a summons to come to the castle. I was not supposed to bring anything or change – just come as I am. As I stared at the letter, remembering it’s instructions, I became increasingly aware of how I looked. I felt loads of doubt. 

I can’t believe I’m here. At the castle. Dressed like this! I am wearing such filthy clothing, but this is all I have. I tried to clean myself up. There was no possible way that a poor filth like me was ever going to clean up well enough to enter the castle, much less to be presented before the royal family. I felt my cheeks turn red and my throat start to tighten. I took a deep breath and still looking at the letter, reminded myself that it was in fact addressed to me, my full name in fact. And it said quite clearly and directly that I was to come to the castle immediately, not wasting any time for self-presentation. So as I let out that deep breath, I took the first step forward, and then the next. Step after step, I didn’t take my eyes off of that letter… until I got to the steps. 

I allowed myself to look up… and up… and up! It was so much bigger that I realized living so far away. It was magnificent! All the gold adornment seemed to shine as if it contained the sun instead of reflecting it. I slowly took one step at a time and when I reached the door, paused once more to look back at the letter I had been holding. I was planning what I would say to the person who opened the door. I would show them the letter and explain that I had come immediately, without delay. I would explain that I didn’t have any other clothes to wear nor the means to purchase any and that I would be willing to wait outside so as not to get anything messed up or cause extra work for the staff. 

To my surprise the door opened before I could knock. The person on the other side looked down at me and his face instantly broke into a warm smile. I just stood there dumbfounded.

“How excited we are that you are here!”

How did he know who I was? I don’t know this person.

“The King has been waiting for your arrival, Your Highness.”

Wait. What did he just call me? I opened my mouth to correct him but he motioned me inside and told me to please proceed forward up the stairs just ahead. After walking through the doorway, I turned around to apologize for the way I looked and start my speech, but there was no one there! I looked around a few more minutes to see if somehow he was in some corner that I hadn’t been paying attention to, but no one at all was to be found. I waited for a moment, thinking he’d be back from wherever he went, but no one came. 

Still clutching my letter, I tucked my elbows in and walked forward slowly, constantly looking around to make sure I wasn’t somehow leaving grime in the gorgeous palace of The King just by walking through it. I was stunned at just how bright and beautiful everything was around me. It seemed like the hallway went on forever and I took notice of the details. The floor was a pristine white marble – not even my filthy shoes left marks or a trail of footprints. Tall windows that looked crystal lined the hallway and showed off the beautiful grounds outside. And the most exquisite tapestries hung adorning every wall high and low. Each one was unique and looked like they told a story. I wanted to stop to examine but I worried that at any moment someone would come through a door and rush me out of the place yelling at me how I shouldn’t have ever come in here. 

I turned a corner and finally saw the giant, ornate doors to the throne room. I stopped dead in my tracks. My throat started to tighten again and just as I was about to turn and run back, the doors opened and someone started walking toward me.

It was the Great Prince!

All the running I was about to do moments ago suddenly seemed impossible. My feet felt cemented to the floor and I thought for a moment that if I just stood extremely still, He wouldn’t notice me. But no luck. It was like He had known this entire time that I was walking up to that door. His eyes locked onto mine the moment the doors opened. He had already been making His way toward me. A gentle smile was on His face, but I knew I didn’t belong here. Everything about me screamed “Imposter!”.

I looked down quickly and dropped to the floor in reverence. It wasn’t a second before His robe was right there beneath my face bowed to the floor. But then, the unimaginable: He knelt down next to me and addressed me by name. I hadn’t given anyone my letter so how could any of these people have known my name?

Repeating my name again He said, “Lift your head. You are not in the wrong place. You belong here, with me. Today, I have made you part of my family.”

It was as if He already knew I had prepared a speech about my unworthiness because before I could utter a word, He continued, “Yes I know all about your history and how you got here today. In fact, I was the one who sent that letter. That is my own signature and the scarlet thread that accompanies all of my letters. I see it is still in your hand.” 

Not wanting to appear disrespectful, I lifted my head as instructed and fought back tears of awe and humble awareness that I hadn’t done anything to deserve any of what the Great Prince had just said to me.

“Your Highness, I don’t understand why I’m here. I am not born of royal blood. I have done nothing to deserve even being invited into your home, not to mention become part of your family. My whole life I have been the worst of the ones who live in the gutter. I have nothing to bring, nothing to give. Look at these filthy rags. I tried to clean myself up, but I have nothing good, and too many disgusting scars. This is the best I could do but it is not even close to enough for this beautiful palace or the honor of your presence. I don’t know why you summoned me here. I know about your greatness and kindness and I thought perhaps there was something you needed me to do, so I came to give myself to your service. But now I am hear you say that you have made me part of your family? How can this even be?”

My eyes welled with tears that I could no longer hold back. I was certain that there was not enough mercy in the world to compel the Great King to allow this. I knew full well that a filth like me was not allowed even to be in His presence, forget about being an adopted son or daughter!

The Great Prince stood and held out His hand to help me off the ground. I timidly took hold of it and He gently lifted me to my feet. His eyes spoke gentleness without a single word coming from His mouth. Placing His hands reassuringly on my shoulders He said, “I have made all the arrangements, there is nothing more you have to do. It is because of His grace that I am able to make you part of this family. It is finished. The Father is waiting to welcome you home.” 

We turned toward the massive throne room doors, and holding tightly to the Great Prince’s hand as though I’d fall down without it. He led me in to see the Great King. 

I was barely two steps across the threshold when He saw me. I froze. I still wasn’t sure how all of this came to be! I turned to the Great Prince to ask if He was sure it was ok to be here in all my filth. It was right at that moment that I noticed, I wasn’t dressed in rags anymore. There was no speck of dirt anywhere on my clothes or body. Even more impossible: all my ugly scars were now healed! I was … glowing! The Great Prince was fully smiling and raised his hand to direct my attention when I saw the Great King break into a run right for me! I took a step back, for a moment fearing His wrath. But the Great Prince held me firmly and told me not to fear. 

Suddenly here He is and here am I. Without even a second to think about it, He threw His arms around me, giving me the greatest hug I never had. I wasn’t sure how or why but I knew that this was right where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew now for certain that the Great King was my Father and fully accepted me as His child. I held on to that hug for what seemed like an eternity, and He didn’t let me go. Looking into the eyes of the Great Prince I still didn’t understand how He did it, but because of Him I was finally where I belong: in The Father’s arms.

Kingdom Living

Autumn

Sarah StewartLeave a comment
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

The arrival of Fall, kicks off several months of traditions for people around the globe. There are harvest festivals to attend, traditional family meals, trick-or-treating to do with the kids (if we’re honest though, some of us get more excited about Halloween than the kids do), gatherings and celebrations with friends, and of course the ultimate end-of-year holiday traditions surrounding Christmas and New Year’s Eve. 

For some, these are the most exciting and magical months in the year. Trees begin to change their coloring. Children squeal with delight at the piles of leaves to jump in and illuminated trees (Who are we kidding? Some adults do too). And the smells of cider and pumpkin spice bring back pleasant memories of fireside chats or visiting grandma’s house. For those that love the autumn and start of winter, the traditions they hold with the ones they love are cherished, making memories worth far more than the most extravagant present. 

However, for others, the beginning of Fall signals a time of sorrow or loneliness. In some cases, treasured family traditions once enjoyed have ended as loved ones have passed on or as relationships were severed. Every pleasant memory that comes to mind at the smell of a wood burning fireplace or hot apple cider is chased away by the reality of loss. Parties are hard to attend, the laughter and merriment surrounding them becomes a sharp reminder of what they don’t have, and even in some cases perhaps never had.

These have long been my favorite holidays and season of the year as far back as I can remember. However, in the past few years I’ve found my heart in a tug of war between the joys of traditions and magical memories versus the pain of loss. For the first time I moved beyond empathy for those who experience pain during the holidays, into sympathy as I walked through my own pain brought front and center with reminders of how so many things now are forever different. I’ve also been keenly aware of how frequently people talk about the end of the year with exhaustion, pain, and the desire to leave it behind. 

However, the truth that I’m re-learning in a new way, is that every year holds both pain … and joy, but we may have to put in some effort to find and remember the joy. 

A few years ago I went through the toughest season in my life. I cried loud tears when no one was around. I attended functions but felt disconnected. I recognized my sorrow was from wrecked dreams and empty traditions all lacquered with a happy veneer that some would say they envied. Meanwhile, I felt like I was drowning in hidden sorrow and pain. But I did my best to have fun and not be a buzz-kill. That year I started some new “traditions” (can it be a tradition if it’s the first time you’ve done it?), but still in the back of my heart was keen awareness of loss. It was no way to “celebrate” the holidays. It really wasn’t a great way to “make it through” the holidays either. I wondered how so many people could be happy and joyful around me when I was so hurt and afraid and sorrowful.  As I look back on it, I’m certain it was God’s grace and infusion of strength that got me through all of those broken dreams, but the details of how He did it all seem a blur. The only thing I remember with clarity is the feeling of heaviness.

This year has also had it’s struggles. There have been inner battles, wrestling with deep fears and anxieties, cancer scares, and saying an earthly good-bye to a dear family member just to name a few. However, this year I’m resolved to enter the holiday season with true thanksgiving and joy (not just happiness). I want to cultivate, live in, and record good memories and meaningful traditions. 

I am in no way trying to Pollyanna my way through the end of the year as if nothing hard or challenging has happened. On the contrary, it is the honesty of acknowledging the hardships that helps me to find and catalog true joys. A truth I have considered more times this year than in prior years is that what the enemy intended for evil in my life, God intends for good. This is not a religious platitude. This truth is much more empowering and emboldening. It means that I don’t have to shellac everything with “hard-earned happiness”, but that I can go through the hard stuff and be on the watch for The Father’s goodness toward me specifically.

Here are some things I know for sure as we enter this holiday season: 

  • Isolation isn’t better
  • A wandering, unoccupied mind is dangerous
  • A day lacking gratitude is guaranteed to be hard
  • Dwelling on the yesterdays with no thoughts for the tomorrows is living death

This year I want to be intentional about enjoying and using the time I have. I want to continue the traditions I’ve started with my kids: decorating cookies, attending Christmas festivals (maybe even ice skating), and making ornaments. And I want to look for things that I can do to feed my soul and strengthen my mind. Perhaps some of these are a good starting point:

  • Reading for enjoyment while having a fire on the tv and a cup of hot cider or cocoa in hand (Florida is a bit short on real fireplaces)
  • Indulge in one favorite holiday movie per weekend with a bag of popcorn and a soft blanket on my comfy couch
  • Meet a friend for a hot cup of our favorite whatever and have a nice long, laid back conversation about all our favorite topics
  • Make something special for someone else, like a blanket, or some cookies for the neighbors, or gifts for children who may have none
  • Create a list of scriptures and books and podcasts to keep my mind occupied and learning
  • Start new traditions with the ones I love
  • Write down at least three real things to be grateful for every day
  • Prayerfully give thought to the future and number my days rightly so that I can live and make the best use of the purpose for which God made me

And in all of this, when I feel heavy weight begin to creep (because it will), I will stop and actively look for what is good and reasons to give thanks. I know from personal experience that there is an unexplained peace and joy that replaces my sorrow when I begin to list as many things as I can think of that I’m thankful for.

There will undoubtedly still be moments of grief (this life isn’t perfect after all), but it is to my benefit (and yours) to grieve appropriately and move forward so that at the end of every year I can re-joy-ce. 

I have a friend who introduced me to this perspective by living it out in front of me. At the end of each year, there is no dwelling on or hiding from the hard days. There is no attention given to exalting the coming new year as a way to “get rid of” this one. Instead, we look back at all the good things that have happened and things we’ve accomplished and rejoice in that! How much sweeter is the peace and joy that accompany a posture of praise and thanksgiving. And this is the posture and perspective I want to have always.

I pray for you also, dear reader, that The Father’s Holy Spirit comforts and strengthens you with the joy of the Lord as He reminds you of all of His goodness and loving kindness towards you even in your darkest and hardest days.

Conversations

Not My Burden

Sarah StewartLeave a comment
Photo by Rajdeep Mitra on Unsplash

I was nervous. Scared maybe? What would this do to them? They are all either going to be angry with me or they are going to be more sad and hurt than I can take. 

“I’m no better than anyone else.” – my thoughts took jabs at me. 

This is going to hurt them all so much. Will they even be able to forgive me? Worse yet, will they condemn me and tell me all the ways I’m wrong? 

I’ve put so much time and energy into this – so much thought and study and prayer and conversations with people wiser than me. By this point, I was more broken and despairing than I could have imagined possible. 

I had planned what I would say. 

What was it I was going to say again? My mind couldn’t focus. 

This wasn’t anxiety (I don’t think), but it was stress sure enough. I was willing to be told I was wrong, but then what do I do with everything I’ve learned and discovered the past few weeks? Am I going crazy? My mind raced with the “what if’s”, trying to figure out all the possible, only terrible ways this conversation could go. 

“I am such a terrible person”, I repeated only to myself because the shame I felt kept the sound tight inside. 

I mean who did I think I was leading any Bible study groups? I shouldn’t have ever tried to counsel, or comfort, or guide, or teach, or even pray for anyone – especially not my own siblings. 

“What a stupid, prideful, terrible person I’d been”, that inner voice repeated again. One thing I knew for sure: I deserved whatever rejection or lecture was about to come.

If only I could figure out how to keep everyone happy and also fix this whole situation. I mean, this is insane! Especially for me! I am a “good Christian”. 

Father, God, I don’t deserve grace or mercy. I have judged people in my own mind – you’ve seen it. And now here I am, no better. I only deserve to be rejected. But I don’t want people to be sad because of me. If I say these things, if I think about this path, I am going to make so many people so sad and angry and hurt, not the least of which are ones I hold most dear. How do I save everyone from all this hurt… and still address the truth of what I’m struggling with? I asked for counseling – but was told “You don’t need that.” 

I was feeling the weight of these past many years of trying, and being tirelessly “good”. I’d recently been told, through tears, that I had made it harder on someone else to live up to being “good” because someone else was comparing them to me. Ouch! 

No matter what I do, I can’t make anyone happy. I can’t save anyone. It’s not getting better and I’m not helping. And this sadness is so very heavy, I can’t escape it’s iron grip. I’ve been carrying this for so long, maybe if I tell them, they can at least help me, or tell me how to get better. I just wish it wasn’t going to make them sad or (even worse) disappointed with me. How can I do this to them? I can’t do this! Maybe they won’t call and I can just buck up again, a little more, one more time. I’m supposed to be tough. I surround myself with strong women and I am not one to give up. That’s what this will look like to them – giving up. This isn’t protecting them. This will disappoint and hurt them, and it will all be my fault.

I felt the gentle touch of the Father’s hand on my shoulder. I didn’t even have to see to know who it was. His gentle hand has the same tenderness as His voice I knew so well.

 “Why do you think you can make people happy, dear one? You don’t have that kind of power. This is why you have been struggling. This weight is not yours to carry. 

I have not rejected you. 

Trust me to deliver you and them, and to bring joy and peace. You are my precious daughter, whom I delight in. This is not what defines you. Your sin is a weight, yes, but carrying it or avoiding it is not what makes you lovely or loveable. I have made you both. 

I do love you. 

Remember, I knew all of this before you understood how to speak, and I still gave my Son to be the perfect sacrifice for you so that you would know: 

You are not the One who judges peoples’ righteousness, not even your own. 

You are not the One who saves people from trouble, not even yourself. 

When the world has many trials, there is One who overcomes all those troubles and carries you (and those you love) through them. 

I have created all these people you care about, just as I have created you. I will care for you (and them) through it all. 

There will be times when things will be hard, but I AM here. 

There will be times that you will have tears and questions, but I AM the answer, and I AM the One who will wipe away your tears. 

There will be times you will feel weak, but no longer will you be oppressed because I AM your Strength and Salvation. 

And this time, right now, 

I AM the words you need, 

the strength you lack, 

the wisdom you seek, 

and I AM with you. 

Do not put these burdens on yourself my dear child. Give them to me, little one. I have a much easier thing for you to carry. The burden of saving others from grief, this is not yours to carry. I AM able to carry all of this, and you. Climb into my arms, they are strong enough for you and all this weight. You don’t need to put this on yourself any longer, truly you never needed to, and now that you are aware of these things, you can simply give them to me. I AM going to help you remember to keep putting the boulders of people-pleasing actions into my hands. All you need to do is be the incredible daughter I created, and rest. 

Breathe out and let the weight go. Breathe in the life that I have created in you, and rest dear one.”

Five Small Kernels
Kingdom Living

Five Small Kernels

Sarah StewartLeave a comment

A number of years ago I learned the story of the true first and second days of thanksgiving in the New World. They were actually not held in consecutive years because there was an extreme food shortage the second harvest year after the Pilgrims had landed at Plymouth. In fact, the Pilgrims nearly died that second year as each person had to be rationed a mere five kernels of corn per day. Things were certainly not how the Pilgrims had expected or planned. The very first day of thanksgiving they had quite a good harvest (thanks to Samoset and Tisquantum). The Pilgrims, along with Massasoit and about 50 braves enjoyed a great feast. This is the story that we all know from grade school. However, the part of the story I didn’t know until just a few years ago is the story of the following two years. 

The year that followed that first Thanksgiving, there was not enough food to go around because more settlers arrived from across the sea but they had brought no provisions like that first group of Pilgrims had. The second harvest year, instead of the abundant harvest they’d planned for, the Pilgrims were forced into grim rationing. When it came time to plant again, the Pilgrims needed a harvest at least twice the size of the first harvest. Not only that, but when it came time for the expected rains, there was a severe drought, the likes of which not even the native americans had ever seen. They once again faced dire circumstances, but they trusted God and prayed and finally came the most gentle rain for 14 days straight, exactly what their crops needed. 

The annual harvest feast almost didn’t happen for a second year in a row. However, The Father graciously provided once again exactly what they needed when they needed it and that harvest yielded more than anyone had expected. Once again they celebrated their abundant harvest with Massasoit and this time about 120 braves who brought with them all the meat for their great feast. The first course of their banquet however was only five kernels of corn on each plate, to serve as a reminder of those hard and scary times The Father had brought them through the season before, and they were thankful.

Each Thanksgiving feast since I learned this story, I have recounted it as my own reminder of the abundance that I have. This year especially though, this story hits me a little bit differently. This year, we have faced a global crisis the likes of which we ourselves have never experienced. This year, my family is spread out across the miles for a myriad of reasons: some are quarantined, some remodeling, some had to change plans at the very last minute, some are heroically working hard to save lives. In my case, I decided to take a thanksgiving meal to a few family members that had no plans for a “typical” Thanksgiving due to a couple of these life events. Perhaps that is what got me thinking about those five corn kernels in a new way. Or it could be this global pandemic that has me pondering anew. Maybe it is because I’ve been able to look back on my last thanksgiving, remembering my own sorrow and need that was so great then and seeing how The Father provided for me and brought me through it. Perhaps it has something to do with watching my own children go through difficult disappointments this year. I know that in spite of the figurative “shortage” in their lives (don’t worry we have plenty of food), that The Father will faithfully get us through this year also, even if we are hanging on by the most meager of “rations”.

Whatever the reasons–maybe all of those reasons–I am thinking back on those five kernels of corn with a new intentionality, and I find myself even more thankful this year. Yes, its been a very difficult year for so many of us. We may find ourselves only able to muster up five very small things for which to give thanks – all the more reason to be grateful. This is not the end, by any means. We are still here and still moving forward. Maybe some of us have found ourselves looking back on what looked like an impossible drought that seemed it would not end in time for us to survive, yet we find we have all that we need and in some cases maybe more than that and we are able to share with someone else. Yes, this has been a challenging year, but what a great time to be thankful for especially the seemingly small things in our lives. 

Maybe all we’re able to do is talk to our friends and family over the phone whereas last year we would see them every day. Let’s be thankful for such a small thing as that ability to talk to loved ones on the phone. Let’s be thankful these loved ones are still here.

Maybe we’re only able to gather with the ones closest in proximity to us. Let’s be thankful for such a small gathering where we are not alone and we have plenty to eat.

Maybe we’re not able to do the traditional things we’ve always done. Let’s be thankful for small traditions that are not gone simply because this year is different. Let’s be thankful for the small beginnings of new traditions born out of unexpected and unwanted circumstances.

Maybe our plans for this year have been overturned. Let’s be thankful for the small opportunities to make new plans for the future. Let’s be thankful that in spite of our own overturned plans, The Father still has plans for us, the likes of which are greater than our own, full of hope and goodness.

For me, this Thanksgiving looks a bit different than those of years passed, but after my own season of figurative shortage, I am setting five kernels before me and finding I have much to be thankful for:

  • People in my life that I deeply care about and who truly love and support me.
  • The freedom to move about safely and carefully being thoughtful of those around me.
  • Abundant food to share, even with a small few.
  • My overall health and safety along with the health and safety of my loved ones.
  • The Father’s faithful presence, forgiving grace, and love for me.

Even as I write my short list, choosing only five “kernels” I find is an impossible task. There is so much more I am thankful for. 

Dear reader, I know in the depths of my heart and out of my own experience that even if things are impossibly challenging right now, there are at least five very small things you can be grateful for. Those may be the only five things to give thanks for in the next days and weeks and months to come, but they are not insignificant. Hold on to them. Give thanks. The Father desires to give you (and all of His children) good things because He is a good Father. Look to Him and He will sustain you even in these mere five small thanks-givings until the day that you are able to add a sixth, then a seventh, an eighth, and so on until you too have more to be thankful for than these first five small things. And for those that find that you are looking back on a prior year with meager provisions but staring at a feast before you now, stop and give thanks for what The Father did to get you through that tough season. Then give to someone else who finds themselves in need now. You may be one of the five kernels The Father uses to get them through this difficult time.