Conversations

Royal Family

I stood at the end of the walkway holding the letter with both hands. Ahead, was the path that lead straight up the stairs to the grand entrance to the beautiful castle. I looked down at the letter in my hands. I had re-folded it and gently re-tied The King’s signature scarlet thread to close it back up after I’d read it. It was a summons to come to the castle. I was not supposed to bring anything or change – just come as I am. As I stared at the letter, remembering it’s instructions, I became increasingly aware of how I looked. I felt loads of doubt. 

I can’t believe I’m here. At the castle. Dressed like this! I am wearing such filthy clothing, but this is all I have. I tried to clean myself up. There was no possible way that a poor filth like me was ever going to clean up well enough to enter the castle, much less to be presented before the royal family. I felt my cheeks turn red and my throat start to tighten. I took a deep breath and still looking at the letter, reminded myself that it was in fact addressed to me, my full name in fact. And it said quite clearly and directly that I was to come to the castle immediately, not wasting any time for self-presentation. So as I let out that deep breath, I took the first step forward, and then the next. Step after step, I didn’t take my eyes off of that letter… until I got to the steps. 

I allowed myself to look up… and up… and up! It was so much bigger that I realized living so far away. It was magnificent! All the gold adornment seemed to shine as if it contained the sun instead of reflecting it. I slowly took one step at a time and when I reached the door, paused once more to look back at the letter I had been holding. I was planning what I would say to the person who opened the door. I would show them the letter and explain that I had come immediately, without delay. I would explain that I didn’t have any other clothes to wear nor the means to purchase any and that I would be willing to wait outside so as not to get anything messed up or cause extra work for the staff. 

To my surprise the door opened before I could knock. The person on the other side looked down at me and his face instantly broke into a warm smile. I just stood there dumbfounded.

“How excited we are that you are here!”

How did he know who I was? I don’t know this person.

“The King has been waiting for your arrival, Your Highness.”

Wait. What did he just call me? I opened my mouth to correct him but he motioned me inside and told me to please proceed forward up the stairs just ahead. After walking through the doorway, I turned around to apologize for the way I looked and start my speech, but there was no one there! I looked around a few more minutes to see if somehow he was in some corner that I hadn’t been paying attention to, but no one at all was to be found. I waited for a moment, thinking he’d be back from wherever he went, but no one came. 

Still clutching my letter, I tucked my elbows in and walked forward slowly, constantly looking around to make sure I wasn’t somehow leaving grime in the gorgeous palace of The King just by walking through it. I was stunned at just how bright and beautiful everything was around me. It seemed like the hallway went on forever and I took notice of the details. The floor was a pristine white marble – not even my filthy shoes left marks or a trail of footprints. Tall windows that looked crystal lined the hallway and showed off the beautiful grounds outside. And the most exquisite tapestries hung adorning every wall high and low. Each one was unique and looked like they told a story. I wanted to stop to examine but I worried that at any moment someone would come through a door and rush me out of the place yelling at me how I shouldn’t have ever come in here. 

I turned a corner and finally saw the giant, ornate doors to the throne room. I stopped dead in my tracks. My throat started to tighten again and just as I was about to turn and run back, the doors opened and someone started walking toward me.

It was the Great Prince!

All the running I was about to do moments ago suddenly seemed impossible. My feet felt cemented to the floor and I thought for a moment that if I just stood extremely still, He wouldn’t notice me. But no luck. It was like He had known this entire time that I was walking up to that door. His eyes locked onto mine the moment the doors opened. He had already been making His way toward me. A gentle smile was on His face, but I knew I didn’t belong here. Everything about me screamed “Imposter!”.

I looked down quickly and dropped to the floor in reverence. It wasn’t a second before His robe was right there beneath my face bowed to the floor. But then, the unimaginable: He knelt down next to me and addressed me by name. I hadn’t given anyone my letter so how could any of these people have known my name?

Repeating my name again He said, “Lift your head. You are not in the wrong place. You belong here, with me. Today, I have made you part of my family.”

It was as if He already knew I had prepared a speech about my unworthiness because before I could utter a word, He continued, “Yes I know all about your history and how you got here today. In fact, I was the one who sent that letter. That is my own signature and the scarlet thread that accompanies all of my letters. I see it is still in your hand.” 

Not wanting to appear disrespectful, I lifted my head as instructed and fought back tears of awe and humble awareness that I hadn’t done anything to deserve any of what the Great Prince had just said to me.

“Your Highness, I don’t understand why I’m here. I am not born of royal blood. I have done nothing to deserve even being invited into your home, not to mention become part of your family. My whole life I have been the worst of the ones who live in the gutter. I have nothing to bring, nothing to give. Look at these filthy rags. I tried to clean myself up, but I have nothing good, and too many disgusting scars. This is the best I could do but it is not even close to enough for this beautiful palace or the honor of your presence. I don’t know why you summoned me here. I know about your greatness and kindness and I thought perhaps there was something you needed me to do, so I came to give myself to your service. But now I am hear you say that you have made me part of your family? How can this even be?”

My eyes welled with tears that I could no longer hold back. I was certain that there was not enough mercy in the world to compel the Great King to allow this. I knew full well that a filth like me was not allowed even to be in His presence, forget about being an adopted son or daughter!

The Great Prince stood and held out His hand to help me off the ground. I timidly took hold of it and He gently lifted me to my feet. His eyes spoke gentleness without a single word coming from His mouth. Placing His hands reassuringly on my shoulders He said, “I have made all the arrangements, there is nothing more you have to do. It is because of His grace that I am able to make you part of this family. It is finished. The Father is waiting to welcome you home.” 

We turned toward the massive throne room doors, and holding tightly to the Great Prince’s hand as though I’d fall down without it. He led me in to see the Great King. 

I was barely two steps across the threshold when He saw me. I froze. I still wasn’t sure how all of this came to be! I turned to the Great Prince to ask if He was sure it was ok to be here in all my filth. It was right at that moment that I noticed, I wasn’t dressed in rags anymore. There was no speck of dirt anywhere on my clothes or body. Even more impossible: all my ugly scars were now healed! I was … glowing! The Great Prince was fully smiling and raised his hand to direct my attention when I saw the Great King break into a run right for me! I took a step back, for a moment fearing His wrath. But the Great Prince held me firmly and told me not to fear. 

Suddenly here He is and here am I. Without even a second to think about it, He threw His arms around me, giving me the greatest hug I never had. I wasn’t sure how or why but I knew that this was right where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew now for certain that the Great King was my Father and fully accepted me as His child. I held on to that hug for what seemed like an eternity, and He didn’t let me go. Looking into the eyes of the Great Prince I still didn’t understand how He did it, but because of Him I was finally where I belong: in The Father’s arms.

Conversations

Not My Burden

Photo by Rajdeep Mitra on Unsplash

I was nervous. Scared maybe? What would this do to them? They are all either going to be angry with me or they are going to be more sad and hurt than I can take. 

“I’m no better than anyone else.” – my thoughts took jabs at me. 

This is going to hurt them all so much. Will they even be able to forgive me? Worse yet, will they condemn me and tell me all the ways I’m wrong? 

I’ve put so much time and energy into this – so much thought and study and prayer and conversations with people wiser than me. By this point, I was more broken and despairing than I could have imagined possible. 

I had planned what I would say. 

What was it I was going to say again? My mind couldn’t focus. 

This wasn’t anxiety (I don’t think), but it was stress sure enough. I was willing to be told I was wrong, but then what do I do with everything I’ve learned and discovered the past few weeks? Am I going crazy? My mind raced with the “what if’s”, trying to figure out all the possible, only terrible ways this conversation could go. 

“I am such a terrible person”, I repeated only to myself because the shame I felt kept the sound tight inside. 

I mean who did I think I was leading any Bible study groups? I shouldn’t have ever tried to counsel, or comfort, or guide, or teach, or even pray for anyone – especially not my own siblings. 

“What a stupid, prideful, terrible person I’d been”, that inner voice repeated again. One thing I knew for sure: I deserved whatever rejection or lecture was about to come.

If only I could figure out how to keep everyone happy and also fix this whole situation. I mean, this is insane! Especially for me! I am a “good Christian”. 

Father, God, I don’t deserve grace or mercy. I have judged people in my own mind – you’ve seen it. And now here I am, no better. I only deserve to be rejected. But I don’t want people to be sad because of me. If I say these things, if I think about this path, I am going to make so many people so sad and angry and hurt, not the least of which are ones I hold most dear. How do I save everyone from all this hurt… and still address the truth of what I’m struggling with? I asked for counseling – but was told “You don’t need that.” 

I was feeling the weight of these past many years of trying, and being tirelessly “good”. I’d recently been told, through tears, that I had made it harder on someone else to live up to being “good” because someone else was comparing them to me. Ouch! 

No matter what I do, I can’t make anyone happy. I can’t save anyone. It’s not getting better and I’m not helping. And this sadness is so very heavy, I can’t escape it’s iron grip. I’ve been carrying this for so long, maybe if I tell them, they can at least help me, or tell me how to get better. I just wish it wasn’t going to make them sad or (even worse) disappointed with me. How can I do this to them? I can’t do this! Maybe they won’t call and I can just buck up again, a little more, one more time. I’m supposed to be tough. I surround myself with strong women and I am not one to give up. That’s what this will look like to them – giving up. This isn’t protecting them. This will disappoint and hurt them, and it will all be my fault.

I felt the gentle touch of the Father’s hand on my shoulder. I didn’t even have to see to know who it was. His gentle hand has the same tenderness as His voice I knew so well.

 “Why do you think you can make people happy, dear one? You don’t have that kind of power. This is why you have been struggling. This weight is not yours to carry. 

I have not rejected you. 

Trust me to deliver you and them, and to bring joy and peace. You are my precious daughter, whom I delight in. This is not what defines you. Your sin is a weight, yes, but carrying it or avoiding it is not what makes you lovely or loveable. I have made you both. 

I do love you. 

Remember, I knew all of this before you understood how to speak, and I still gave my Son to be the perfect sacrifice for you so that you would know: 

You are not the One who judges peoples’ righteousness, not even your own. 

You are not the One who saves people from trouble, not even yourself. 

When the world has many trials, there is One who overcomes all those troubles and carries you (and those you love) through them. 

I have created all these people you care about, just as I have created you. I will care for you (and them) through it all. 

There will be times when things will be hard, but I AM here. 

There will be times that you will have tears and questions, but I AM the answer, and I AM the One who will wipe away your tears. 

There will be times you will feel weak, but no longer will you be oppressed because I AM your Strength and Salvation. 

And this time, right now, 

I AM the words you need, 

the strength you lack, 

the wisdom you seek, 

and I AM with you. 

Do not put these burdens on yourself my dear child. Give them to me, little one. I have a much easier thing for you to carry. The burden of saving others from grief, this is not yours to carry. I AM able to carry all of this, and you. Climb into my arms, they are strong enough for you and all this weight. You don’t need to put this on yourself any longer, truly you never needed to, and now that you are aware of these things, you can simply give them to me. I AM going to help you remember to keep putting the boulders of people-pleasing actions into my hands. All you need to do is be the incredible daughter I created, and rest. 

Breathe out and let the weight go. Breathe in the life that I have created in you, and rest dear one.”

Conversations

Still Loved

So many nights I have sat here, curled up, confronted with darkness – a darkness I invited. Some days my to-do list is enough to keep my mind occupied and feelings of shame at bay, but only for a time. 

I work hard to remind myself of the truth over and over. Sometimes it works and feelings of condemnation are alleviated. At those times I am overwhelmed with gratitude as I  recall what The Father sacrificed for me. I am filled with awe considering His love for me… 

So why do I repeatedly feel distant from Him? Why does this theme of feeling unlovable continue its cruel cycle through my mind?

Life creeps in again. Things need to be tended to. Sleep is hard to leave each morning and easy to wander into. I don’t remember being this tired before. Here now, even sleep ends with the feeling that I’ve failed, failed to do more and see progress. Once again I welcome shame to the doorstep and usher it in… 

There must be something I am doing wrong… or something I messed up a while ago. If The Father has left me, I can understand why. I am a mess and I have let Him down so many times. 

Here I am again, face buried in my knees, quiet tears forming a ring around me as if to block me into the guilt I feel. The truth that I knew yesterday about His love and sacrifice for me seems distant and besides, surely I actually voided it long ago anyway. He is quiet and I am not worthy of His presence or affection. Some child of His I turned out to be. 

 

From my position on the floor I smell a sweet fragrance. Not an overpowering smell… rather, its a pleasing smell, almost relaxing. I’ve smelled this fragrance before… Before I lift my head to see where it’s coming from, I hear His tender voice.

 

My precious little one, I have never stopped loving you. I know you are hurting, thinking that I left you and that you drove me away, but that is not true. I desire to be with you more, not less. Don’t you know, I knew all of this was going to happen but I still made that sacrifice – for you. Because I love you. I have always loved you. Nothing you have done or will ever do will remove or cancel my love for you. Those things that you have done that you think have disappointed me enough to drive me away, those are the things that led me to such a great sacrifice for you. Yes, I hurt and weep for you but nothing you have done or experienced has separated you from my love. You love your own children regardless of what good or bad they have done – don’t you know it is even more so with my love for you? I want you to want to spend time with me. I have always been here, waiting for you to make time to speak with me. I am only quiet because you haven’t invited me to speak, you aren’t ready to listen. I am and have been at the door knocking, waiting for your attention and affection. I love you as I always have.

 

I am having a hard time lifting my head to look for The Father’s face as He speaks to me. A flood of gratitude – no, gratitude isn’t the right word… it is a tidal wave of love for The Father has overtaken me. My whole body shakes with tears of relief and joy and love. As He lays His strong and mighty hand gently on my back, I turn and fling my arms around His neck. I have known this fact of the truth of His love for me before, but now my heart has experienced it deeply and personally. 

 

Picking me up off of the floor easily (as my strong Daddy God does sometimes when He comforts me) He says, “Little one, remember that the sacrifice I made for you cannot and will not be undone. It is fully for you. Remember that I mean everything I say and my Word is worth trusting. When I said that you are redeemed and forgiven I mean it fully and completely, with no exceptions. I don’t love you in pieces and parts. I love you all the way, fully. What once millennia ago kept me from my beloved children, I long ago made certain it never would again. My love for you is stronger than anything you have ever done, right or wrong. I will never leave you. I am here. I am singing over you. I am healing your brokenness. I am your Father, your Strength, your Shield, your Forgiveness, your Redeemer, your Righteousness, your Source of Enduring Love.

 

I lay my head against The Father’s chest once again. My crying has been calmed by His tender mercies and the demonstration of His truthful and everlasting love and grace for me.

Conversations

More Than Stars

image by Dino Reichmuth

Come here and sit with me, Precious One.

I climb up on The Father’s lap, glad to rest there. I am always so comfortable sitting with The Father. I know I am safe in His strong arms. I can feel my body already begin to release the tension that has been building in me. These days have been tense. Difficult. But here on The Father’s lap, I have peace. Turning my face up towards His, I see Him staring into the night sky. 

Pick a star,” He says to me as if it were like selecting fruit from the produce section of the grocery store. “Any star,” He reiterates. 

I stare wide at the sky, looking for a star to catch my eye. I finally find one and point, wondering with so many stars, how The  Father will know which star I’m looking at. Without hesitation, He smiles and tells me that I picked a beautiful star and tells me it’s name. Like a proud Creator, He begins to tell me what is unique to that exact star I picked from the trillions in the sky! I am amazed at His greatness.

Then turning towards me, He smiles and asks if I know how many stars there are in the sky. This feels like a familiar conversation, like maybe Abraham had a similar conversation with The Father…

 

“I have no idea how many stars there are. I know I can’t count them all. It was hard just picking one.” 

The Father nods knowingly and asks another question, “Do you know that I know the name of every single star that I’ve ever created?

“Yes, Abba, I do know that. I know that you know the names of all the stars that are young, those that have died, and every star in every galaxy. Your greatness is amazing and overwhelming to me, too vast for me to comprehend!” 

Still smiling at wide-eyed me, The Father draws me closer to Himself and begins to tenderly tell me the reason for all this set-up: 

 

Do you know that you are even more valuable to me than all those multitudes of stars? I knew your name before you were born. I counted out the days for you before anyone ever thought about you. I see you and know you better than anyone ever has or ever will. I knew who you would be as I knit you together in your mother’s womb. I have seen every moment of your life. Even these tiring and difficult days, I have seen. I know all of it, but none of it is able to break My promises to you. I still have a wonderful plan for you. I still have victory for you, Precious One. Even in these hard and painful days, I see you and know you and what’s more, I know the great things still in store for you. 

You are amazed that I know the multitudes of stars, but do you not know that you are more precious and important to Me than all the stars in the sky? You know My greatness is even more than the stars can convey, know also that I Am able to always keep My promises to you. You are My child and nothing in all of creation can shake My love for you. Nothing can have victory over you because I am the One who fights for you. I will give the victory to you and bring you out of these hard days and those yet to come.

 

I snuggle up closer to Him and rest my head on His chest. Good tears gently run down my face. Peace floods my soul. The Father puts His strong arm around me as if to make His Words stick to me.

I know He is for me.

I know He is able to do anything.

I know He is great enough, strong enough, and all-of-enough for me.

I know that His love for me will never end and that is enough for any difficult day I face.