Conversations

Royal Family

I stood at the end of the walkway holding the letter with both hands. Ahead, was the path that lead straight up the stairs to the grand entrance to the beautiful castle. I looked down at the letter in my hands. I had re-folded it and gently re-tied The King’s signature scarlet thread to close it back up after I’d read it. It was a summons to come to the castle. I was not supposed to bring anything or change – just come as I am. As I stared at the letter, remembering it’s instructions, I became increasingly aware of how I looked. I felt loads of doubt. 

I can’t believe I’m here. At the castle. Dressed like this! I am wearing such filthy clothing, but this is all I have. I tried to clean myself up. There was no possible way that a poor filth like me was ever going to clean up well enough to enter the castle, much less to be presented before the royal family. I felt my cheeks turn red and my throat start to tighten. I took a deep breath and still looking at the letter, reminded myself that it was in fact addressed to me, my full name in fact. And it said quite clearly and directly that I was to come to the castle immediately, not wasting any time for self-presentation. So as I let out that deep breath, I took the first step forward, and then the next. Step after step, I didn’t take my eyes off of that letter… until I got to the steps. 

I allowed myself to look up… and up… and up! It was so much bigger that I realized living so far away. It was magnificent! All the gold adornment seemed to shine as if it contained the sun instead of reflecting it. I slowly took one step at a time and when I reached the door, paused once more to look back at the letter I had been holding. I was planning what I would say to the person who opened the door. I would show them the letter and explain that I had come immediately, without delay. I would explain that I didn’t have any other clothes to wear nor the means to purchase any and that I would be willing to wait outside so as not to get anything messed up or cause extra work for the staff. 

To my surprise the door opened before I could knock. The person on the other side looked down at me and his face instantly broke into a warm smile. I just stood there dumbfounded.

“How excited we are that you are here!”

How did he know who I was? I don’t know this person.

“The King has been waiting for your arrival, Your Highness.”

Wait. What did he just call me? I opened my mouth to correct him but he motioned me inside and told me to please proceed forward up the stairs just ahead. After walking through the doorway, I turned around to apologize for the way I looked and start my speech, but there was no one there! I looked around a few more minutes to see if somehow he was in some corner that I hadn’t been paying attention to, but no one at all was to be found. I waited for a moment, thinking he’d be back from wherever he went, but no one came. 

Still clutching my letter, I tucked my elbows in and walked forward slowly, constantly looking around to make sure I wasn’t somehow leaving grime in the gorgeous palace of The King just by walking through it. I was stunned at just how bright and beautiful everything was around me. It seemed like the hallway went on forever and I took notice of the details. The floor was a pristine white marble – not even my filthy shoes left marks or a trail of footprints. Tall windows that looked crystal lined the hallway and showed off the beautiful grounds outside. And the most exquisite tapestries hung adorning every wall high and low. Each one was unique and looked like they told a story. I wanted to stop to examine but I worried that at any moment someone would come through a door and rush me out of the place yelling at me how I shouldn’t have ever come in here. 

I turned a corner and finally saw the giant, ornate doors to the throne room. I stopped dead in my tracks. My throat started to tighten again and just as I was about to turn and run back, the doors opened and someone started walking toward me.

It was the Great Prince!

All the running I was about to do moments ago suddenly seemed impossible. My feet felt cemented to the floor and I thought for a moment that if I just stood extremely still, He wouldn’t notice me. But no luck. It was like He had known this entire time that I was walking up to that door. His eyes locked onto mine the moment the doors opened. He had already been making His way toward me. A gentle smile was on His face, but I knew I didn’t belong here. Everything about me screamed “Imposter!”.

I looked down quickly and dropped to the floor in reverence. It wasn’t a second before His robe was right there beneath my face bowed to the floor. But then, the unimaginable: He knelt down next to me and addressed me by name. I hadn’t given anyone my letter so how could any of these people have known my name?

Repeating my name again He said, “Lift your head. You are not in the wrong place. You belong here, with me. Today, I have made you part of my family.”

It was as if He already knew I had prepared a speech about my unworthiness because before I could utter a word, He continued, “Yes I know all about your history and how you got here today. In fact, I was the one who sent that letter. That is my own signature and the scarlet thread that accompanies all of my letters. I see it is still in your hand.” 

Not wanting to appear disrespectful, I lifted my head as instructed and fought back tears of awe and humble awareness that I hadn’t done anything to deserve any of what the Great Prince had just said to me.

“Your Highness, I don’t understand why I’m here. I am not born of royal blood. I have done nothing to deserve even being invited into your home, not to mention become part of your family. My whole life I have been the worst of the ones who live in the gutter. I have nothing to bring, nothing to give. Look at these filthy rags. I tried to clean myself up, but I have nothing good, and too many disgusting scars. This is the best I could do but it is not even close to enough for this beautiful palace or the honor of your presence. I don’t know why you summoned me here. I know about your greatness and kindness and I thought perhaps there was something you needed me to do, so I came to give myself to your service. But now I am hear you say that you have made me part of your family? How can this even be?”

My eyes welled with tears that I could no longer hold back. I was certain that there was not enough mercy in the world to compel the Great King to allow this. I knew full well that a filth like me was not allowed even to be in His presence, forget about being an adopted son or daughter!

The Great Prince stood and held out His hand to help me off the ground. I timidly took hold of it and He gently lifted me to my feet. His eyes spoke gentleness without a single word coming from His mouth. Placing His hands reassuringly on my shoulders He said, “I have made all the arrangements, there is nothing more you have to do. It is because of His grace that I am able to make you part of this family. It is finished. The Father is waiting to welcome you home.” 

We turned toward the massive throne room doors, and holding tightly to the Great Prince’s hand as though I’d fall down without it. He led me in to see the Great King. 

I was barely two steps across the threshold when He saw me. I froze. I still wasn’t sure how all of this came to be! I turned to the Great Prince to ask if He was sure it was ok to be here in all my filth. It was right at that moment that I noticed, I wasn’t dressed in rags anymore. There was no speck of dirt anywhere on my clothes or body. Even more impossible: all my ugly scars were now healed! I was … glowing! The Great Prince was fully smiling and raised his hand to direct my attention when I saw the Great King break into a run right for me! I took a step back, for a moment fearing His wrath. But the Great Prince held me firmly and told me not to fear. 

Suddenly here He is and here am I. Without even a second to think about it, He threw His arms around me, giving me the greatest hug I never had. I wasn’t sure how or why but I knew that this was right where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew now for certain that the Great King was my Father and fully accepted me as His child. I held on to that hug for what seemed like an eternity, and He didn’t let me go. Looking into the eyes of the Great Prince I still didn’t understand how He did it, but because of Him I was finally where I belong: in The Father’s arms.

Conversations

Still Loved

So many nights I have sat here, curled up, confronted with darkness – a darkness I invited. Some days my to-do list is enough to keep my mind occupied and feelings of shame at bay, but only for a time. 

I work hard to remind myself of the truth over and over. Sometimes it works and feelings of condemnation are alleviated. At those times I am overwhelmed with gratitude as I  recall what The Father sacrificed for me. I am filled with awe considering His love for me… 

So why do I repeatedly feel distant from Him? Why does this theme of feeling unlovable continue its cruel cycle through my mind?

Life creeps in again. Things need to be tended to. Sleep is hard to leave each morning and easy to wander into. I don’t remember being this tired before. Here now, even sleep ends with the feeling that I’ve failed, failed to do more and see progress. Once again I welcome shame to the doorstep and usher it in… 

There must be something I am doing wrong… or something I messed up a while ago. If The Father has left me, I can understand why. I am a mess and I have let Him down so many times. 

Here I am again, face buried in my knees, quiet tears forming a ring around me as if to block me into the guilt I feel. The truth that I knew yesterday about His love and sacrifice for me seems distant and besides, surely I actually voided it long ago anyway. He is quiet and I am not worthy of His presence or affection. Some child of His I turned out to be. 

 

From my position on the floor I smell a sweet fragrance. Not an overpowering smell… rather, its a pleasing smell, almost relaxing. I’ve smelled this fragrance before… Before I lift my head to see where it’s coming from, I hear His tender voice.

 

My precious little one, I have never stopped loving you. I know you are hurting, thinking that I left you and that you drove me away, but that is not true. I desire to be with you more, not less. Don’t you know, I knew all of this was going to happen but I still made that sacrifice – for you. Because I love you. I have always loved you. Nothing you have done or will ever do will remove or cancel my love for you. Those things that you have done that you think have disappointed me enough to drive me away, those are the things that led me to such a great sacrifice for you. Yes, I hurt and weep for you but nothing you have done or experienced has separated you from my love. You love your own children regardless of what good or bad they have done – don’t you know it is even more so with my love for you? I want you to want to spend time with me. I have always been here, waiting for you to make time to speak with me. I am only quiet because you haven’t invited me to speak, you aren’t ready to listen. I am and have been at the door knocking, waiting for your attention and affection. I love you as I always have.

 

I am having a hard time lifting my head to look for The Father’s face as He speaks to me. A flood of gratitude – no, gratitude isn’t the right word… it is a tidal wave of love for The Father has overtaken me. My whole body shakes with tears of relief and joy and love. As He lays His strong and mighty hand gently on my back, I turn and fling my arms around His neck. I have known this fact of the truth of His love for me before, but now my heart has experienced it deeply and personally. 

 

Picking me up off of the floor easily (as my strong Daddy God does sometimes when He comforts me) He says, “Little one, remember that the sacrifice I made for you cannot and will not be undone. It is fully for you. Remember that I mean everything I say and my Word is worth trusting. When I said that you are redeemed and forgiven I mean it fully and completely, with no exceptions. I don’t love you in pieces and parts. I love you all the way, fully. What once millennia ago kept me from my beloved children, I long ago made certain it never would again. My love for you is stronger than anything you have ever done, right or wrong. I will never leave you. I am here. I am singing over you. I am healing your brokenness. I am your Father, your Strength, your Shield, your Forgiveness, your Redeemer, your Righteousness, your Source of Enduring Love.

 

I lay my head against The Father’s chest once again. My crying has been calmed by His tender mercies and the demonstration of His truthful and everlasting love and grace for me.

Kingdom Living

Cornerstone of Hope

Hope.

Hope seems to be unattainable at times. When the road of difficulty rises to meet me, where is hope? When things don’t go as I’d planned, where is hope? When the world writhes in pain around me, where is hope? When I’ve made a mess of things, where is hope?

Hope is here. Hope chases me down, turns me around, and lifts the blindfold showing me that Hope has been here all along. 

Once I’ve seen and experienced Hope, why is it so easy to wonder again how to find it? I was reminded today that it’s when I start trying to do things without Jesus, I am blinded to the work He has done for me. When I “trust the sweetest [most fragile] frame”, when I do something in order to add to Christ’s work of salvation (which is the ultimate thing to hope for), I am really hoping in me. I am hoping that what I do is good enough to complete what Jesus already did. There’s just one problem: that inevitably produces anxiety instead of hope because I begin to question if it really is enough. I need to remember that I don’t need to search for or manufacture hope; Hope has already found me – and that Hope is what I need.

There is a beautiful hymn that I recalled while thinking about this hope: “My Hope is Built on Nothing Less” by Edward Mote.  

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus’ name

 

Perhaps you can relate? What is something you have hoped for or have been hoping for? A better job, a family of your own, a better place to live, a better life? Maybe there are times when it doesn’t seem to matter what you do, that thing you’re hoping for always seems out of reach. Or maybe you thought you had it once and then the unexpected happened and everything crumbled. Or maybe you’re arguing right now, insisting that you did build your hope on Jesus but now here you are, feeling hopeless. What gives?

I suggest that you do as I had to do: take the time to truthfully examine whether or not you fully and completely gave all of that to Christ? Ask yourself (and be honest) whether you even once expected that by doing the “right” things, you’d have what you hoped for?  If you even once thought that, then there was some point that you didn’t “wholly trust in Jesus’ name”, just like me. 

Hold on! Don’t walk away just yet. You need to know that you are not without Hope! There is absolutely still Hope to be seen and experienced by you just as there is for me. The even better news is that all our doing (or not doing) doesn’t change the fact that Christ is still our Hope. He works every day, in a thousand ways on our behalf, though we may not notice.

When darkness seems to hide His face

I rest on His unchanging grace

In every high and stormy gale

My anchor holds within the veil

 

2 Corinthians 4:8-18 encourages us that even as we feel stressed and pressured, Christ who is called our Cornerstone (1 Peter 2:4-6, Psalm 118:19-24) never lets us be crushed or destroyed. We may face a challenge that threatens our vision of the Hope we have, but truly when we anchor ourselves in Jesus, He does not disappoint. In fact, when we are feeling our weakest, that is the best for us because it is then that we step aside and are able to let Him strengthen us. When we are chasing hope constructed by our own hands, we are too busy to see the Hope that has already walked into our lives: Jesus is our Hope! What’s great about this Hope that is ours is that it is not hope for temporary things that will change, age, or become obsolete. This Hope is eternal and is for a purpose that will long outlast today’s bad choices and tomorrow’s trial. 

Hillsong worship writers put it this way:

Christ alone, Cornerstone

Weak made strong in the Savior’s love

Through the storm

He is Lord

Lord of all

 

Jesus, your Hope and mine, has done the work of coming to us when we were unable to find lasting hope of any kind. He is able to strengthen you for what has been, and what’s to come. When you recognize and accept Jesus as your eternal Hope, the Father will use Jesus to build a life for you that isn’t threatened by the storms swirling around you. Rather, the life the Father builds for you will stand strong all the way into eternity with Him. 

Do you feel like you “missed” Hope or that you can’t find it? Stop right there and give it to Jesus. “Rest on His unchanging grace” – it is for you. He is Lord of all. You need not search any longer or try any harder – He is all the Hope you need.

 

Kingdom Living

Rediscovered Thanks

 

Being truly thankful every day seems to be one of the biggest challenges. My temptation is to forget the abundance I have. I tend to get comfortable with abundance and I forget to lead a lifestyle of daily gratitude. But this year more than ever I am learning how vital that daily gratitude is, and how it can sometimes be the only thing that helps me to move. 

 

How frequently do we take account of our abundance? This year I wanted to remind myself to be thankful every day so I followed Ann Voskamp’s example and started a gratitude journal. It is conveniently located right by my door on the kitchen bar counter so that I won’t forget to do it. Unfortunately, as I get busy or comfortable, inevitably I do forget about it. I find that sometimes I am so comfortable with what I have, that I don’t see all that I truly have.

 

Even in this month that is a reminder for us to be grateful, if we pause for just a moment, doesn’t it feel like this is perhaps a counterfeit effort we make? If we only give thanks but once a year, at one meal, we are out of practice and studies show that we are living with less peace and happiness. But perhaps you didn’t need a study to tell you that. If we make a list of all the things we want to have or be or do it would likely be a long list and probably would leave us at least a little tired. That list communicates what we don’t have and aren’t being. On the flip side, if we make a list of every small thing we could possibly be thankful for, right down to blades of cut grass, ducks crossing the road, the giggle of a young child, the text from a friend that made us smile, or the music we enjoy, that list has a different effect on us. There is contentment in that list and that gives us a sense of rest. Doesn’t it?

 

My kids and I have somewhat of a “game” that we play: when someone is expressing a lack of thankfulness someone will call out “Tell me three things you’re thankful for!”. It is truly amazing how that little reminder produces a huge shift in our attitude. In an instant we go from stressed to small giggles. 

 

I’ve needed those giggles in my own heart this year. Sometimes there are some really tough things in our lives – things we would never have thought we could or would endure. This season has been harder than I expected. I was trying to voice thankfulness for what I have, but it was counterfeit. It was thankfulness on the surface but had an undercurrent of discontentment. I felt my words feeble in comparison to the weight of disappointment and grief running wild through my mind. My gratitude was weak in chaotic battle with my grief instead of confidently rooted. 

 

I feel The Father reaching out for me, spreading His arms wide, calling me to give thanks from the depths and to come rest in Him… but I’m waiting for the pain to be over, for the depths to stop drowning, for the hustle and bustle and world spinning around me to quiet…

 

The Father knows I won’t make it on my own. Grabbing through the darkness, down to the depths where I’m sinking, I feel His hand take hold of me and I hear His soothing voice speak:

 

Light shines out of darkness. I know these are hard times but my faithfulness and sovereignty is not established by your deeds nor is it shaken because of them. No matter what you do or have done, I AM still here and I AM able to use it for more than you can see right now. I waste nothing – not the good nor the bad. I AM already working and though you cannot see the end from the beginning, you can trust that I care for you too much to leave you here. My desire for you, my dear child, is good, not bad. I AM your good Father and I want to give good things to you. I am not here to take or demand things from you. I know this doesn’t feel good right now little one, trust me, I have not finished my good work in your life yet. Turn your eyes to see me and your ears to hear my voice. You will make it through because I AM here with you. See? I AM carrying you when you can’t lift your foot to take a step. Listen to my voice and not the lies binding your heart in heavy chains. I have long since unlocked those chains and thrown them off. Let me lift you, carry you, until you can walk again on your own, right beside me. I love you dear one, as I have always and always will. You are My precious child and no one and nothing can come against you that I AM not right there with you to win the battle and help you through. So come now, rest in me. Remember Who’s you are. Remember my real, deep, strong grace that is constantly and consistently sufficient.

 

For today, I am steadied again. I can see more clearly again. As gratitude tears roll steaming down, I find the real words of thanks that I had been missing. Thankfulness begins to spill forth with my tears… Thank you Father for these reminders … gradually drops become small streams, and then rivers of grateful joy pouring forth all the things coming to mind: the smells of the season, my favorite seasonal drinks (cider…yumm), kindness of the truest of friends, smiles on my children’s faces, fall leaves and cooler weather, music to soak in, planning new traditions, choruses of people singing, festive lights chasing the darkness away…